I feel the need to remind you, dear reader, that this journal of mine was made specifically so I could talk about issues I'm having relationship-wise. I'm hoping it doesn't sound like a bog of whine. But then again, it might.

Everyone raves about communication. How a relationship can't survive without it. How it's the backbone of a relationship. Well, I say this, "Suck it, Communication!"

Okay, maybe that wasn't as shocking as Kathy Griffin's "Suck it, Jesus!" when she was accepting her Emmy (hilarious, no?), but most would be startled that I, a girl who talks a whole freakin' lot, has such an issue with communication.

Here's why:

It doesn't WORK!!

Oh, the speaking comes out of the mouth at regular intervals, but every fucking time I try to communicate something to my boyfriend, he fights with me. Every. Time.

Case in point.

Last night he spent 4 hours playing a computer game after I came home from being away for another 4 hours. In general, I don't really care when he plays computer games, but when it's wasting a weekend away, it kinda sucks. But, of course, I didn't say anything to him about it because he would just get pissed at me.

Then he was up for a few hours watching tv with me but then fell asleep on the couch. When I woke him up to come up to bed with me, I went up to bed, and he decided to get back on his computer and play video games. Even after I go downstairs and ask him why he is not going to bed with me. In fact, while I'm down there in the middle of talking to him, he starts to play the game and tune me out. Okay. I still don't say anything. Bad things come to those who speak.

So I went to bed without him. When he awoke in the morning, he immediately springs up and leaves the room. Again, no real interaction with me. Now, this is getting kinda sad for me. I'm a little injured by this lack of attention, but I also know that he isn't doing any of this on purpose. Doesn't take away from the fact that it makes me sad though.

I go down stairs to see if he had, in fact, just started the day without me, and he was sitting on the couch. I give him a quizzical look and go back upstairs. He follows me to find out what's wrong, and this is when it happens.

Stupid, stupid, STUPID me. I try to communicate with him. I let him know that I am not mad at him, that I don't think he was intentionally doing anything of this, but I've been a little sad about blah blah and blah.

Big mistake.

He proceeds to tell me why I am WRONG. How I am treating him bad now. And generally not listening AT ALL. Especially when I tell him that I just want to be able to say/feel it. With no response necessary. Or desired.

See? This is how it always goes. I cannot tell him of any problem I have, because he refuses to allow me his permission to feel said way. I cannot, under any circumstances, try to communicate anything with him. It's driving me fucking crazy, and I feel like I can't find a way out of this situation.


EDIT: He just came in and asked me what I was doing. What I was writing. Stared at the screen until he could discern it was about him. And left with, "Now, I am going to go post about you. Right now, I am going to go post about you."

Wonderful. I love how I am not allowed any place to vent. I can't fucking talk to him. I can't fucking talk to the like 8 people that read this journal. Internal monologues will just drive me crazy eventually. What the fuck to do?

So things have been going relatively well. And still are. But I still feel the need to bitch.

Apparently, the hard drive (separate from his computer) that held a whole lot of his stuff (pictures, music, etc) was knocked over by Mia and now doesn't work. Sucks, I know. But he had the hard drive in the MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM with the cord strung out and easy to trip over. I can tell that he takes no responsibility for this whatsoever and really just wants to blame me and my nine-year-old. The moment I said something about it not being in a safe place last night, he snapped at me, so I decided not to really respond do him.

All last night he had his head in his hands (crying?) and was sighing all over the place about how it's "gone. all gone." Very dramatic. I didn't respond. I'd talk to him about other things, but felt this topic was one that could explode with even the slightest perceived slight.

This morning he started to do the same stuff. I could tell that he was getting annoyed with my refusal to comment on it, so I mentioned that I was trying to stay away from the topic because he snapped at me last time. Guess what? He is now in a rage at me, because I am not "empathetic" enough. Ha. That coming from him.

So now I'm pissed too. He's being really rude to me. It's another situation in which I feel that I CAN NOT win. No matter what. Ug.

Things hit the breaking point this weekend. Saturday, actually. It becomes quite apparent that when trust is shattered, it becomes very very hard to repair.

Without going into detail (because, honestly, I'm in too good a mood to delve into that hurt), I can say that I made a decision. And one that I think is actually healthy (crazy, right?). I decided to put my issues with him aside for a while, and sincerely just focus on the issues he has with me. I could see how that would not sound healthy, but let me 'splain.

He has done some truly shitty things to me. I focus and cling to this and justify my acting out because of them. It's okay that I'm mad at him for this; it's his own fault anyway; if he hadn't fucked up, he wouldn't have to deal with me like this now.

Now, granted, my version of acting out is more about being hurt and saying comments that I know will upset him (as opposed to poisoning his coffee with oleander), but it certainly does not help things. It becomes that vicious cycle we hear all kinds of nasty things about. So neither of us are happy.

So, this week, I have resolved to pay attention to his side of the coin. I won't allow unacceptable things to slide by, of course, but I will consciously make the effort to make him happy.

I say "this week," but today is already Thursday. This is actually a resolution that I made last Saturday, so I've been living this for several days. And, guess what. It works! At least so far. Just this extra bit of softness toward him has made our relationship this week really freakin' good. He is doing little nice things for me, and I really think it is his way of saying thank you. I can tell he sees a difference, and it has made him soft toward me as well. And that's all I was really looking for in the first place.

It feels kinda neat that this has worked out this way. I think somewhere inside I knew that giving him what he wanted was also a way to get what I wanted, but I just felt so very justified in my hurt that it became a familiar place to be. Comfortable.

Now, this will probably all come falling down around my shoulders again at some point. I'm sure we won't be perfect all of the sudden, but it's a step. And I'm grateful for it. I just need to keep this in mind the next time I feel so completely justified in my actions. I need to ask myself, So what if I am? Is this this how I want to keep living? And then, you know, do something about it.

See what a good night of sleep can do for you? Life just feels as though it is falling around my feet when I am sleep deprived. This morning, I see my relationship like this:

We love each other.

We frustrate the hell out of each other.

We need to learn how to communicate better.

It will happen. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

We'll see how long this happy mood lasts, but I'll enjoy it while it's here.

So, of course, I've been thinking about my boyfriend all morning, and one thought keeps repeating. You need to call him and tell him you love him. You never know what could happen.

And, of course, I resist. Because I feel like being the first to call and say this makes it seem like I believe I was at fault. Or I'm giving in first. And, damnit, I'm a proud girl, so that's just too hard to do.

Finally, I did it. Called and blabbered about needing to say "I love you" and I'm sorry I called, but since the thought won't go out of my head, I had to.

I shed my pride for a minute. I suppose it means I'm growing up or just growing, but I recognize how positive it is.

He said he loved me back, and, as I was getting off the phone he made a point of thanking me. For calling. For swallowing my pride (though he didn't say it. but he knows me well enough to know things like this are hard for me.).

And now I'm feeling a bit teary. I'm not exactly sure why. I need sleep. 

So I went home last night wondering if things would suddenly be wonderful between us. Wishful thinking, obviously. Not all his fault, I'm sure, but there is still that strain. And, sometimes, I just feel like I don't like him very much. Which is, of course, ridiculous. Because I actually like him very much. Love, even. But the way he talks to me/treats me makes me hate him.

Especially in the mornings. Almost every day, I come to school with my chest tight. Either he is just being a jerk randomly, or something tiny sets us off. I just want him to talk to me differently. And if I am doing something he doesn't like, well, tell me, and we can work on it. Sounds simple enough, but shit doesn't work that way with him. If I make him angry in the slightest (which is so easy to do), I pay for it with his open disdain and disgust of me.

Usually, this makes me sad. Right now, I'm just kinda pissed. And tired. I stayed up too late again last night (so did he), and I have little to no patience for life right now. Especially him.

I want to start fresh, somehow, but I can't figure out how. And I don't think he is willing to put in the same work I am. 

Went to bed last night without saying goodnight. Purposefully. I don't have a lot of power in the relationship, especially when it comes to being able to voice my problems, so silence is my only recourse, sometimes.

This morning, I said goodbye, but did not kiss him. Or say that I love him. I was kind, but purposefully distant. Maybe this is manipulative, but I think of it as the only way I have to let him know I am upset. He called me a few minutes later and said he loved me before we hung up. I said it back, but it is gratifying that he had to be the one to say it first.

Writing this down makes it sound petty. Hm.

In the middle of first period, he called to tell me that he just got an interview for the job of his dreams. I'm so happy for him. It could end up being a really wonderful thing for us. Is it possible that the way he treats me is partly a dissatisfaction with his life (job/lack of it)? Not completely, I'm sure, but the stress has got to be a factor.

He called me a second ago and was so silly and happy. Like I remember him from a long time ago. It makes me want to cry. I'm afraid to bask in this new-found niceness too much, because if/when it goes away, I'll hurt that much more.

So. Hm. My steps:

1. Be happy for him and let him know how proud I am of him. (Done, but continue to do.)

2. Hold myself in stasis, while I see what is really going to happen with his attitude toward me.

3. Don't get too happy.

4. Take a nap. Things are always better when I'm not sleep deprived. 

It's not like I'm not already too tired to do this, but it is either this, or burst. Or implode (I realize the opposite nature of the two, but I'm pretty they will both coincide if I don't do something soon). 

So this is it. What I'm doing, I mean. I've started a new livejournal, like it's the medicine I've been needing. Maybe that's putting too much importance on an inanimate object (if the cyber world of livejournal is, indeed, an object. which I doubt.).

To save my friends of the pain and drama of me constantly chronicling this painful journey, I've decided to set up a completely new livejournal. You will find nothing of importance here, I imagine, but you will find the innermost workings of a girl going through some shit.

My intent here is to chronicle it all. Both the ups and the downs. Of course, the downs are what keep me up nights or leave me shaking on a cellular level, and that's what drives me to want to keep this journal, but I believe it important to talk about both. Maybe I can look back at this in a few months and see everything a bit more objectively. Are the downs as bad as they seemed? Worse (doubt that)? Are things that I am doing unhealthy, or is it unhealthy to allowed myself to be treated as I have? We'll see. 

I feel like I'm suckering you, dear reader, into watching the next episode. The fact is, you may not want to. I'm fairly certain it won't be pretty. I'm fairly certain that it will be quite self-indulgent. A mess, really. 

I've warned you. 

That being said, I welcome comments. Just your opinion, a recommendation, a commiseration. Part of this therapy is to get some sort of feedback. Feel free to be a voyeur, but if you feel compelled to say something, please do. 

And we'll begin with this:

Tonight was painful. It's been worse, but still bad tonight. I find myself having to constantly evaluate if what I am asking is truly worth all of this, or if I should just suck it up and give in all the time. If I did, he would be happier. That would make me happier. But it might also make me die inside a little. My main problem right now is with his refusal to communicate. He'll berate me. He'll laugh at me. He'll talk shit to me. But he will not strip all of that away to figure out how to resolve some of these reoccurring issues. Maybe he has just decided to trade in these nights of happiness as a casualty of being with me. For me, I'm not sure I can do that. I want it fixed SO bad. 

I've been watching Tell Me You Love Me. It's a show on HBO about, you guessed it, relationship issues. It's fake, but TOTALLY graphic ( can't believe they are not actually doing it). The couples all see a therapist. I'm so jealous. Who knew that the idea of being to go to a couples counselor would make me salivate as it does. It's just. Well. There has to be some way out of this (without actually splitting up with the one you love more than anything)...right?